I am reading Colette's, "The Vagabond".
"This evening I shall not feel sleepy, and the spell of a book - even a brand-new book with that smell of printers' ink and paper fresh from the press that makes you think of coal and trains and departures! - even that spell will not be able to distract me from myself."
Words bringing images to my head... Colette is vibrant and stunning with images as simple as the smell of a book (and those who know my secert habits know I love to smell books).
That "surge of expectancy" I mentioned a month ago was for a reason and I am in the throes of new breakthroughs and discovery. A couple of weeks ago, I was tingling with growth and new levels of freedom. But this week I am merely present, busy, enjoying myself on some level but on another, numb and wishing the constant voice I was hearing in my head during those hours of breakthrough would keep speaking. I need the wisdom and life it was whispering to me. Maybe it has not gone, but I don't hear it and instead, feel again as the robot girl who thoroughly works her way through a tight schedule, meeting a myriad of friends, attending to many duties, but inside reaching for the full moon in her night sky and finding it just out reach.
"... then I forget once again the memory of what I was, in the fear of becoming once more alive; I want nothing, I regret nothing... until the next time my confidence lands me in disaster, until that inevitable moment of crisis when, with terror in my eyes, I see advancing towards me, with gentle, powerful hands, the sadness that guides and accompanies one in all the pleasures of the flesh."
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3 comments:
Hey Robot girl – I’m glad to hear about the expectancy you’ve been sensing. I sense it to for you. And I think your quote at the end of this entry is very important. As with all pleasures of the flesh, and I would ad to that, as with all emotion, there will be peaks and valleys. It’s scary to think of these giant, gentle, powerful hands coming after you – wanting to pull you down. I’m trying to see it as a forest path that has inclines and declines. As you walk forward, you’ll have spectacular views from mountaintops, but in order to get to the next mountain top there is a valley to walk through. If I picture it this way, it feels less like terror and more like a sober choice. Neither are very attractive, but at least I feel like I’m more in control of my fate. If you have to visit the valley anyway, you may as well go on your own accord.
Maybe that ties into the robot thing you are feeling. Like you don’t have control but are rather programmed to do. If that is the case, then I have to challenge you to break those automatic circuits and choose your own way. Either way you’ll have ups and downs, but at least you would be Ginny Girl.
I have been reading your blog for a bit now, and I would like to link you to mine. Would you mind?
Hey Gin
Your post is lovely and reflective. I totally what you are saying in that moments when we "get it" and feel ourselves growing, are exactly that... moments. It is very normal for me to be inspired and move forward and take steps, only to "return" to the daily busy-ness and satisfaction with just living. I find that this phenomenon is frustrating as an "all or nothing" kinda guy, but good for me. I need balance and would totally burn out or explode if I were. It would be easier, and "easy" doesn't produce the best character, at least in me.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I love those quotes! Sounds like a great book. And I love the way your express yourself. Don't give up on your writing! Don't compare! Just do it.
I love you and miss you lots, too.
Love, your bro.
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