Summer in San Francisco is full of free concerts in various parks, visiting family and friends, going down to So. Cal. for yet more weddings (I am in my dear Shannon's wedding next weekend at a Temecula winery), the (occasional) warm nights roaming the city or taking long walks around our lovely neighborhood, weekly outings with my sister or Chels, lingering at sidewalk cafes and restaurant patios over wine and delicious food.
Our community has likewise continued to thrive with our regular nights of long talks about our lives, creativity, God, pains and hopes, vision for the future. We share concerts, festivals, Matthew Barney at MOMA, Taize, drinks at neighborhood bars, nights of prayer atop Twin Peaks, movies, "The Office".
Work has been so good lately: I am experiencing a confidence and success that is invigorating. My incomparable part time schedule of three days a week, coupled with rare, amazing pay (for part time hours) and benefits, is no less than a gift. My work/life balance has been incredible and there seems to be a place for everything the more I settle into it. This "slowing down" has done wonders for my outlook, giving me a restful pace in the midst of city life.
My emotional undercurrent varies between shock and disbelief at how amazing this season of life has been, a true satisfaction and peace... and a numb sense of needing to "stir the pot", or turn things upside down lest I get too "settled", adventurer that I am. That constant inner voice I hear pushing and challenging me to reach out for those crazy dreams that are beyond my ability. Many of them have come true thus far - why not keep reaching? It never looks as I imagine, but in many ways, the waiting makes them so much better, as does the unexpected forms they take when they do come. The fine tension of being satisified (since I ALWAYS want to do more) yet never complacent is one I constantly pursue.
If I am honest, I am living the dream now. I am the city girl I always was at heart, creating genuine community in a place of constant transition and turnover, sharing passions, tears, calling and vision with my soul mate. It is more than I could hope and I am so grateful to be living it.
That ever profound sadness is always close at hand. I am keenly aware of death and brevity of life for me and for those I love, the loss of relationships I thought would always be there, the constant self-condemnation I battle with... these things bring heaviness, and yet wrestling with them, even sharing the tears of this weight with Dan, reminds me I am not alone in my deep pain as well as in my rich joys.