Wednesday, November 28, 2007

a life is passing

Sylvia Plath:

"I want to get back to my more normal intermediate path where the substance of the world is permeated by my being: eating, food, reading, writing, talking, shopping: so all is good in itself, and not just a hectic activity to cover up the fear that must face itself and duel itself to death, saying: A Life is Passing!" So achingly true.

"The mighty abstract Idea I have of Beauty in all things stifles the more divided and minute domestic happiness... but I must have a thousand beautiful particles to fill up my heart. I feel more and more every day, as my imagination strengthens, that I do not live in this world alone but in a thousand worlds - No sooner am I alone than shapes of epic greatness are stationed around me..." This is my girlhood truth.

Currently watching:
The Buccaneers

Monday, November 19, 2007

where I have been...

"It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides." - George Sand

The sky opened up. Change leads the way, possibility the name of this season. In response to months of prayers... beyond words... change has come, bringing hope.

I don't know where it will lead, but I do know it had to happen - even more than I realized. Once it did, the sigh of relief within my gut was so huge, I've been deflated in its wake. Yet simultaneously energized by clear direction and brilliant possibility.

These last two months have been rife with change, sleepless nights, expectation and worry, elation, goodbyes, hellos, world travel, rich times with friends, an excess of visitors, celebration, new jobs for both Dan and myself.

The past weeks flood streams of memories across my mind's window: a brilliant two weeks in Lake Como, Italy, and Switzerland with Dan's family (photos here:; Arts Night; family visiting en mass (Steve & Christina, Mitch & Peanut, Drew, Luke, Ben, Ben & Corie, the Stumpf family - whew!); The Roots with Manka & Dan; Film Nights in Union Square ("Rebel Without A Cause"); reading & discussing Nouwen with my girls; afternoons with Amanda and Manka over tea or lunch; "Emma" musical with Anna; music at Miraloma; great meals and talks (always!) with Scott & Louise; cocktail nights with the girls (Tiki night & Bourbon & Branch); leaving Genentech; starting our new jobs at McKesson (Dan) and the Guardian (me); celebration dinners for Dan & I's new jobs (at House of Prime Rib for Dan and Quince for me); I won tickets to a KFOG lunch (Manka went with me) and a New Orleans on Nob Hill concert through SF Jazz Fest (Dan & I) - Dan won tickets to a Patty Griffin private show!; we went to the weddings of Jason & Tammy and Janet & Brent; The Vampire Gothic Ball with Ben & Corie put on by the Period Recreation Society; private 10th anniversary party at Citizen Cake with Annelies; The Swell Season (from the movie "Once") concert with the girls; the Guardian's Goldies ceremony; serving dinners with Grace Cathedral at the Mentone; Shannon & Ephraim visiting; a seven course meal with our 'crew'; and so much more.

Yes, it's a daunting list that does not begin to tell of inner changes, musings, a consistent "letting go" happening in my life and faith, Dan & I's long talks and realizations (tearful & joyful), talks with my dear girls and sister; the overwhelming sense of gratefulness that permeates my waking and sleeping hours.

There has been fear, strain and uncertainty before these changes hit... then Dan and I both had news about our jobs exactly the same week, gave notice on exactly the same dates, started our new jobs on exactly the same day. It's been strangely unified, though separate changes for us both. A friend said it seems its a sign of how we are being led into new horizons not just individually, but together. We feel this acutely along with humble awe at the meaningful, significant shift that has taken place.

Though no job or change is by any means perfect, with this particular shift, I sense a directional change that is strategic, purposeful and hopeful. Time has been returned to me. Creative, unusual possibility has entered a space conformity and a growing drudgery were filling.

Space is opening up inside me as it is around me. Not only with time, but in environment, direction, horizons. The wind whispers, "It is possible", even as I know not what to do but take the next step right in front of me.

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." - Edgar Allen Poe, "Eleonora"

Currently watching : The Darjeeling Limited