I dreamt last night I was in a car driving all over my city of San Fran with really bad brakes... I couldn't stop at the bottom of the hills and was cruising around at alarming speeds. It seemed so real, I actually cringed when Dan & I were driving to work this morning and he stepped on the brakes.
We talked about what it could mean and immediately I said I felt as if my life is speeding ahead of me and I can't put on the brakes. I don't really want to, I suppose, but I feel as if things are swirling around me in thrilling mayhem and I can't quite grasp what is happening. It's not too busy: that's not it at all. It's steady, but well paced... better paced than ever before; full, but with things we love and have decided we want to commit to. We have weeded out a lot of superfluous activities and feel excited about everything we are involved in right now.
Despite this noticeable sense we both have this year, I feel such a mixture of expectation and fear, apathy and excitement. What will win out? Marriage is the greatest gift of my life and I am overwhelmed not only by the tenderness and passion of our love, but by how our calling and life direction is so being shaped together ... towards the same vision. What a rare gift! I can't help but feel sometimes that I am watching a film of the two of us together and it's one of the great love stories. It hardly seems real, such peace and love. It will always be the great beauty of my life.
This year has likewise brought delightful bouts of discipline (more than ever before, even if not near enough compared to my goals). Thank you, Chels, darling, for that. Meeting weekly in cafes all over the middle of the City (Mission, Noe, Castro), we have not missed one week in writing and working at a cafe to keep each other accountable by sharing it. These times I anticipate greatly.
Random opportunities I could never have made for myself keep coming way on the culinary writing front: being on the radio with food reviews, first paid itinerary gig, writing for a website, my website and all the help coming to me for it (Dan & Chels especially!) It's been crazy and out of my hands.
My sister is moving here - another untold gift I hoped for but would never have really expected!
Community is amazing: our group, our interactions, nights of wine, food and talks, films and music, Imogen Heap, SF Indie Fest, SF MOMA party night, "The Office" marathons, incredible meals out with rewarding conversation, and my dream of a birthday party that Dan threw for me which I will never forget. Magical, vibrant and memorable... Dan (and my dear friends) outdid themselves.
Music at church and things there in general are moving. I've cried without being able to control it two weeks in a row. Something big is moving.
Everywhere. I feel it, fear it and reach out for it all at once. There is so much more I cry out for in my gut: three things I keep pleading for, not because I deserve them, but because I am just a girl asking God for what her heart desires despite how ridiculous it may be. So much has been granted already. I cannot complain. Life here in SF is beyond what we could have hoped and this we marvel at constantly. I fear. I loathe my many mistakes and flaws. I feel lost and undertain daily. I feel like a gaping wound more often than not. I need more healing, more reconciliation, more wholeness. I need, I need. I lack, I lack. And in this lack, miracles are brewing.