"The only thing I can say is that it takes place-or the best of it takes place-in a sort of vacuum. On the worst of mornings. On the least likely of mornings. When you expect nothing to happen. When the page is blank. When the mind is blank. Even in a state of depression or melancholia. And, then, only with good luck...
Oh, don't misunderstand me. I think you have to be sitting there. You have to 'wait' in good faith. You have to go to work like anyone else, or I do anyway. I have to go to work at nine o'clock. And in that sense you force it. You've got to start in some way...You have to have a routine and live up to it and then hope for the best." - Walker Percy
He's talking about writing, a truly difficult process. But this applies to all of life.
It takes that faith of waiting, which seems to be much of life: waiting for love, for creativity, for realization of dreams, for change, for security, and so on. Sometimes these things come, sometimes they do not. Sometimes the waiting is days, sometimes years. I hate waiting and yet find the process has been transformative in so many situations. Like working towards love and marriage with Dan. It took years for my heart to be fully ready... much pain and soul searching to get there (and saintliness on Dan's part in staying with me for years while I was uncertain). But in the end, marriage has been a wild celebration of the best years of our relationship. It's been the freest, safest, most healing, holistic time of my life and I know it's because of all the groundwork laid... and because of who Dan is, which is oh, so right for me.
I am thankful daily for the rewards of waiting. Would that I remember this when I am stuck in that agonizing, hellish process again (as I have been for fifteen years now in terms of my creativity and calling).
In the meantime, I guess I'll show up, as Percy says. I'll start so that I am there when something happens.
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Life in love with all the arts: music, literature, film, art, theater, travel, food & drink, the art of living
1 comment:
I really identify with this quote, as you know, because someone recommended it to me in our writing group. It was so comforting to hear the other writers (most of whom are much more seasoned than us) acknowledge the same experience of having to do the work.
I'm noticing that there are many things in life that are just work. And the negative connotation of "work" only adds to the delay in getting it done. I've been rewarded much of the time, however, if I just do the work. And then the times that I'm not rewarded, the times I do the work and nothing really comes of it, those are the times I have to sit myself down and say "I did the right thing in doing this work. It didn't turn out exactly as I had hoped, but the work was not in vain. Even if it was in vain, even if nothing ever comes of it, what else should I have done with my time? It's not like I can say that I should have spent that time watching a movie or reading a book. I spent my time doing work and I'm none the worse for wear. I only had something to gain. The time I spent on the work could have been spent on any number of vain things. At least I took the chance that it wouldn't be in vain. At least I stepped up and tried to get some results."
I guess its a "work for the sake of work" ethic and it can be applied to every area of life. It springs up partly from a fatalistic, almost nihilistic view of life. "What are we going to do with our time that's so damn important that I can't spend some of it on a fruitless "work" task. And if I ever say, "Work is hard, it takes a toll on my body and I'm exhausted," I don't find that an okay excuse sometimes. At the end of the day, I can spend myself up to where I'm 99% used and in a day or two I'll be fine. I'll be back to normal and all my worry about being overexhausted will be taken care of. If anything, I'm erring on the side of being too easy on myself. Not thinking big enough, not taking big enough risks.
At least that's how I feel now. It doesn't pertain directly to what you were saying, but that's what it made me think of.
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