Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Brewing

I dreamt last night I was in a car driving all over my city of San Fran with really bad brakes... I couldn't stop at the bottom of the hills and was cruising around at alarming speeds. It seemed so real, I actually cringed when Dan & I were driving to work this morning and he stepped on the brakes.

We talked about what it could mean and immediately I said I felt as if my life is speeding ahead of me and I can't put on the brakes. I don't really want to, I suppose, but I feel as if things are swirling around me in thrilling mayhem and I can't quite grasp what is happening. It's not too busy: that's not it at all. It's steady, but well paced... better paced than ever before; full, but with things we love and have decided we want to commit to. We have weeded out a lot of superfluous activities and feel excited about everything we are involved in right now.

Despite this noticeable sense we both have this year, I feel such a mixture of expectation and fear, apathy and excitement. What will win out? Marriage is the greatest gift of my life and I am overwhelmed not only by the tenderness and passion of our love, but by how our calling and life direction is so being shaped together ... towards the same vision. What a rare gift! I can't help but feel sometimes that I am watching a film of the two of us together and it's one of the great love stories. It hardly seems real, such peace and love. It will always be the great beauty of my life.

This year has likewise brought delightful bouts of discipline (more than ever before, even if not near enough compared to my goals). Thank you, Chels, darling, for that. Meeting weekly in cafes all over the middle of the City (Mission, Noe, Castro), we have not missed one week in writing and working at a cafe to keep each other accountable by sharing it. These times I anticipate greatly.

Random opportunities I could never have made for myself keep coming way on the culinary writing front: being on the radio with food reviews, first paid itinerary gig, writing for a website, my website and all the help coming to me for it (Dan & Chels especially!) It's been crazy and out of my hands.

My sister is moving here - another untold gift I hoped for but would never have really expected!

Community is amazing: our group, our interactions, nights of wine, food and talks, films and music, Imogen Heap, SF Indie Fest, SF MOMA party night, "The Office" marathons, incredible meals out with rewarding conversation, and my dream of a birthday party that Dan threw for me which I will never forget. Magical, vibrant and memorable... Dan (and my dear friends) outdid themselves.


Music at church and things there in general are moving. I've cried without being able to control it two weeks in a row. Something big is moving.

Everywhere. I feel it, fear it and reach out for it all at once. There is so much more I cry out for in my gut: three things I keep pleading for, not because I deserve them, but because I am just a girl asking God for what her heart desires despite how ridiculous it may be. So much has been granted already. I cannot complain. Life here in SF is beyond what we could have hoped and this we marvel at constantly. I fear. I loathe my many mistakes and flaws. I feel lost and undertain daily. I feel like a gaping wound more often than not. I need more healing, more reconciliation, more wholeness. I need, I need. I lack, I lack. And in this lack, miracles are brewing.

2 comments:

quip and quill said...

Well, I did write a comment to your last blog, "Expectant Still," but the tone and thoughts did not come out the way I intended. Yet, I hope to encourage you in your dreams... and this is one concrete way I feel I can do it. So forgive an old friend for her foibles. As you can see, I actually set up a blog, just so I can respond to yours. Now that's dedication!

I'm so excited for your creative endeavors-- and pray for them constantly. How delightful that you can meet weekly with your friend in different areas of the city-- for coffee, for encouragement, and to spir one another on in the creative process! Just trying to imagine 'the life' is delightful. I do believe that something is brewing. In the distance, I too, watch and wait expectantly. There's so much more yet to come.

Drew Miller said...

This is for your April 14th post, rebirth, but there was no option to be able to post a comment on that one!

I just love how you describe things in this one... especially the ideas of soaring and romping through incompleteness and imperfection. How that dichotomy is so frustrating and yet so beautiful and freeing sometimes. Thanks for describing it so well.

I love you and hope you are well. I'll give you a call very soon. Thanks for letting me know about Luke and for staying in touch.

Love,
Drew