A Million Miles in a Thousand Years - Donald Miller

“People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen.”

"You become like the people you interact with. And if your friends are living boring stories, you probably will, too." - p. 160

"It's like this when you live a story: The first part happens fast. You throw yourself into the narrative and you're finally out in the water; the shore is pushing off behind you and the trees are getting smaller. The distant shore doesn't seem so far, and you can feel the resolution coming... You think the thing is going to happen fast, that you'll paddle for a bit and arrive on the other side by lunch. But the truth is, it isn't going to be over soon...

I think this is when most people give up on their stories. They come out of college wanting to change the world, wanting to get married, wanting to have kids and change the way people buy office supplies. Bu they get into the middle and discover it was harder than they thought. They can't see the distant shore anymore, and they wonder if their paddling is moving them forward. None of the trees ahead are getting bigger. They take it out on their spouses, and they go looking for an easier story". - p. 177-179

Oscar Party 2009

About 20 of us... and yet more good times.





Currently reading: Fork It Over: The Intrepid Adventures of a Professional Eater - Alan Richman

Italia

A fluffy read, Frances Mayes' "Bella Tuscany", still is a poetic ode to my Italy, where I've traveled three times yet ever craving another trip, a long residence, a second home... I share her reflections:

"[Arriving in Venice]: I am knocked silent. The beauty does not just pass before your eyes. It ravishes. I begin to feel the elation a traveler experiences when in the presence of a place supremely itself."

"Growing up in a small town, I felt the tight bit about my mouth. I couldn't wait to leave. The pull of cities was strong. I remember, however, a slight pull, too, toward life far in the country... What rings you out and, truly, what rinses you with happiness? What comes from my own labor and creativity, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it, stays close to the natural joy we all were born with and carry always. Mystic, Georgia, was not for me. I would have been hell on wheels by thirty. Oddly, oddly, I probably could live a happy, sensuous life there now."

"Life would be different if you grew up bouncing your ball against the wall of the Orvieto cathedral... In Italy, it would be curious not to be intimate with art. You grow up here surrounded by beauty, thinking beauty is natural. Art always has been outside, something I appreciated, loved, sought, but something not exactly natural. American towns often are void of art and are often actively ugly. In schools, art is usually a luxury which falls with no thud when the budget ax swings. Art, music, poetry - natural pleasures we were born to love - are expendables, fancy extras, so very non-binary. The unnaturalness comes, too, from the hushed atmosphere of museums, where most of us experience art. In Italy, so much art is in churches... Art and the mass come not from on high, but with a familial attitude."

"If you settle in, even for two weeks, live in a house not a hotel, and you buy figs and soap a the local places, sit in cafes and restaurants, go to a local concert or church service, you cannot help but open to the resonance of a place and the deeper you go, the stranger the people become because they're like you and they're not...
It can be dangerous to travel. A strong reflecting light is cast back on 'real life', sometimes a disquieting experience. Sometimes you go to the far interior and who knows what you might find there? ... But the passionate traveler looks for something... Something must change you... Change - the transforming experience - is part of the quest of traveling...
Often we take America with us. How can we not, being thoroughly products of our culture? We see what we know how to see... we are wary everywhere of being robbed and mugged. We fear the violence of America everywhere...
Travel can reinforce the primitive urge to bring the new into the circle of the known. I went to Pasadena... and walking around on a perfect day, I saw Starbucks, Banana Republic, the Gap, Williams Sonoma, Il Fornaio - all the high-end chains with identical merchandise in dozens of other cities... Nothing happened to me. And yet, surely if I'd stayed longer than a day, there are layers of Pasadena.... In America, with franchises and TV pouring their solvents over us by the second, you have to look longer and harder. In Italy, it's easier."

Currently watching: Brief Encounter - Criterion Collection

Revolutionary Road

"Revolutionary Road", the film and especially the book, are haunting me. I've been awake into the night unable to put the book down. Richard Yates is a writer with a direct voice that penetrates bulls--t. The concept of the story could sound "done" yet he expresses it as fresh and unique. A tragic, depressing ending to be sure, but that's not what I come away with.

I am struck by the image of the few turning points in life when we have the chance to do something different, to not "settle" or take a safe, expected route. Not because one path versus another in and of itself is the answer but because to not make the most alive choice in any given moment is to slowly lose pieces of our truest self, of our childhood dreams that signal more about who we really are than all our adult goals and "have-to's". I think the little daily compromises are what lead to the bigger ones. Some we have to make, but they do add up over time, until we've lost so much of our true self, we cannot find it again... or it takes years of work to get back.

To stay awake and alive requires constant work and effort. Being my life's goal and mission to do just that for myself, and thus for others, I know full well it's an ongoing struggle. But what haunts in this simple story is the cost for not doing it. Not necessarily meaning the dramatized ending, but the cost to our souls. No matter the difficulties, when I am alive, even in sadness or pain, I am ultimately happy. I feel ecstasy and agony down to my fingertips, pulsing through my veins. The gift of life created in me, gives me the freedom to, in turn, create.

May I never take it for granted, settle or walk the expected path just because it is the expected path. May I fight for what is real, even when it hurts. To commit, as I have in many areas, to the reality of daily life and relationships, yes. But never to stop reaching for what my soul cries out for, what makes me come alive (as both Dan and I are committed to). To look for beauty and make it a part of my life no matter the routine. To make time to listen to the inner, deeper urgings, which I believe, come from the Creator. And, most of all, to say "yes" to them.

Currently listening: Dear Science - TV on the Radio

Hollow

Hollow is a closet-sized, darling new cafe in the Inner Sunset (Irving near 15th). I spent the morning there, journaling, staring out the window, reading as I sipped Ritual coffee and heard Sarah McLachlan playing (how's that for 'ancient' memories when I was 19-20 and couldn't get enough of "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy")!?

Later, after a sushi lunch with my dear Manka and Karen, I brought them back to Hollow for more coffee and a long, liberating talk on where we come from, why we are forever joined to that and why we are not, how we're uniquely ourselves, made for freedom. In this little nook of bird baths, candles, chocolate truffles and friendly warmth, I sensed hints of restoration... in areas I've been talking about with my Spiritual Director for ages. Restoration that heals the wounds of old days and births them into something new.

Currently watching: HBO's "John Adams" miniseries

Rooftop Cocktails

In this balmy, gorgeous January we are experiencing, Dan and I threw a spontaneous Italian pasta, lounge music, cocktail night (Negronis, anyone?) As the sun set, we lingered on our rooftop with friends, taking in the peachy hue of a warm, city night. Lights began to coyly twinkle, air inhabited our lungs and warmed our skin. Smiles on each face. Savoring the grace of Spring in the midst of Winter.







Currently watching: Fellini's "8 1/2"

I blaze forth in peace

I journaled this in Spring of 2007, but it holds true now, hinting at my state these days:

Peace invades my life of striving
in the hurried rush of my mind
comes calm

Soothing waters rolling over my turbulent sea
and I am at rest

Still
Nothing but to be
no need to prove to you or to me

Earning is not possible
measuring worth, a joke

I flow with this calming stream
realizing it was always there

But other boats ran my waters
invaded my shores
demanded right of passage

One by one
I've denied them entrance
to now make way for what I need

and thus the passageways have begun to clear
horizons, widened
all in the name of freedom

Won by pain
effort
loss
and waiting
Most of all, by surrender

I see its approaching, no longer fearing, this freedom
It's claiming me for its own
and I blaze forth in peace

Currently reading:Finding Our Way Again: The Return of the Ancient Practices - Brian D. McLaren

Favorite November Moments

Another insanely up and down month... I feel so alive with the highs and the lows, as painful and as spectacular as it can be, I am wide awake.

1. My Sam (Phillips) at Yoshi's - two magical, front row sets
2. Almost weekly 4-5 hour sessions of prayer and radiance in Nyquists' home
3. Moving forward in greater numbers with our Human Trafficking leadership group as will as with dinners at the Mentone (Tenderloin SRO)
4. A warm, deep night of Taize with McCs, Tyler, Karen, Chesna, Chuck (plus late night laughter & coffee at Kochs afterwards)
5. Wonderful food excursions and cafe hours spent alone and with my Daniel
6. An incredible weekend in Miami with dear, old friends, Jon & McKean, at their fabulous high-rise over the water... AND Manka driving down to join us for a day of adventuring and profound conversation on Key Biscayne
7. EVERYTHING about our brilliant New Orleans trip - I fell in love completely; Dan & I did it right, savoring every spectacular meal, conversation, drink, jazz club, nap, book, writing and romantic moment together
8. Cozy nights of food, cooking, movies and talks with Jus & Jason as they stay with us a week over Thanksgiving (a great Thanksgiving w/ McCs, J&J, Kochs, Kristi & Adam)
9. Dickens Fair w/ Dannee, J&J ("Sweet Nuts!")
10. My unexpected, painful, family reunion-filled, bittersweet trip to Oklahoma (after just returning from New Orleans) for Grandpa's funeral... he passed away late Thanksgiving night

Currently listening: Purrfect: The Eartha Kitt Collection

Favorite October Moments

It is an unbelievable time... so much sadness and fear as well as love and hope. Dan's Dad was diagnosed with cancer this month, right after we returned from my sister's joyous wedding week in Ventura County. Dan flew right back to Orange County for another week, the longest week apart we've had, to be with his family and await outcomes. His Dad is going through chemo and we're praying for miracles... as we're acutely, keenly aware of every moment, of each other, of what we have and how amazing it is. Especially as we face loss and pray for more time with those we love... always more time.

1. Concerts (like Robert Plant/Allison Krauss or Hammer!), film nights and cozy meals with many dear friends (Tash, Chesna & Tisch, Becca here from NYC, Tyler, Amanda, Scott & Louise)
2. Stolen weekday lunches with Dan, trying new spots around the city
3. Palo Alto day with Dannee, eating (Bistro Elan & Sultan), coffee, writing, cocktails and cigars while talking about our upcoming trip to Miami & New Orleans)
4. Crazy Thrillville Dean Martin ("The Silencers" - hilarity!) movie night at El Cerrito Speakeasy w/ Tash & Dan
5. Entire wedding week for Jus & Jason: from the raucous LA bachelorette party night, to the family and friends reunion, to staying at Jessi's, to the big family dinner night in Santa Monica, to the gorgeous wedding and dancing the night away, tears and laughter... such joy
6. More East Bay dinners with Amy & David
7. Charleston-ing the night away at Mobster's Ball with Tyler, Chuck, Chesna, Karen, Maria
8. Amanda staying with me when Dan left (brunch at Brenda's, "Honey, I'm home!")
9. Geriatrics Party at Karen & Gina's
10. Yoshi's w/ Tash - fab Rupa & the April Fishes show; alive & delighted w/ my girl
11. Dave's steakhouse birthday dinner at Joe DiMaggio's on a hot Indian Summer night
12. Marie-Brizard West Coast Cocktail Challenge - the best industry-only party I've been to yet; I'm becoming "official"!
13. A cozy Halloween at our place with six friends watching ridiculous old horror movies like "House on Haunted Hill" while sipping pumpkin martinis
14. Being finally re-united, intensely and ecstatically with my husband after 7 painful days apart

Currently listening: About the Blues By Julie London

Favorite September Moments

I cannot believe this year is so nearly to an end - it's going by like seconds! I could not limit my memories this month - there were so many; what a rich month of goodness.

1. Roaming my gorgeously blue, pristine city with my Mom on Labor Day
2. Sitting out on my fire escape with a clove, in a skirt and bra on a warm, sultry night... being, praying, singing, listening
3. A warm, vibrant, starry night on the patio of Coffee Bar, having a two hour Ethiopian meal, wine, a cigar and a deep talk with my husband
4. Italian night in North Beach with J & J (Jus & Jason) - food & "Il Postino" under the stars
5. Spontaneous singing and playing of guitar and piano by candlelight at our place with David, Anna & Amanda
6. Uproarious laughter & delight with my Tash over absinthe & champagne at Water Lounge before meeting Dan & Ben at Conga Lounge
7. Another great night serving at Tenderloin SRO + helping w/ Human Trafficking website launch & leader's group
8. Incredible industry-only food events I got invited to (La Cocina & Orson private event w/ John Scharffenberger & Elizabeth Faulkner)
9. Good talks & laughter with Ben on his weekend visit (especially our Caribbean/Jamaican meal on the water at Miss Pearl's Jam House)
10. Examining amazing classic cars and watching Charleston champions at the Great Gatsby
11. Dinner and life-giving prayer at Amy and David's
12. Reuniting with Salem friends at Randy's luncheon
13. Perfect meals, beers, talks (+laughs/Jovi Punch!) w/ Jason at Monk's Kettle & Magnolia
14. Goodbye nights with Anna at Medjool, OSHA, Chloe's, B&B
15. A cozy 15 of us in blankets watching "Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?" in Dolores Park
16. Louise's beautiful ordination ceremony (we did music) at Miraloma
17. Heartwarming prayer & a fab home-cooked meal at our place w/ Ty
18. Early morn & late night talks/walks w/ Dannee, specifically magical, romantic meals & conversation at Bar Crudo after my hellish work week & the relaxing, sultry Saturday after

"Bad is so bad that we cannot but think good an accident; good is so good that we feel certain that evil could be explained." - G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"

Currently watching : Persepolis

Waking hours

In a week of sleepless nights, sickness, then breakthrough (what a beautiful, freeing night at Amy & David's last night!) ... spiritually, as well as physically, I feel gratefully overcome even as I am heavy to face the upcoming hurdles at work and in many commitments.

"I learned the best way to manage some kinds of painful thoughts, is to dare them to do their worst, to let them lie and gnaw at your heart till they are tired; and you find you still have a residue of life they cannot kill." - George MacDonald, "Phantastes"

Dan and I talk of death in bed in the wee hours while it's still dark as I awake, unable to return to sleep. The brevity and fierceness of existence overtakes and paralyzes me in those moments. My sweet husband talks me through, shares the fears but ultimately, lets it go. We cannot hold on, terrifying as it is to accept death and old age (granted, I'm far from there, but I see it on the horizon, clearly at times).

We've shared many a tender talk of death and the swift passage of life before - talks that always remain special to me for the vulnerability in which we see the thin thread always between us and death at every moment. The thread we'd rather not acknowledge but ultimately have to.

Oddly, what comes out of and is left from those waking hours is gratefulness. I realize in the brazen light of day that I wouldn't feel such an ache of loss if I didn't have something rich to lose. We have so much, Dan and I. I am cognizant, as I am whenever I stop to reflect, that we are truly happy together... we have fought to find and keep each other and it hasn't always been easy, but we've been supremely happy together and our daily life reflects that.

Never am I happier to come home than to him, and he to me. Never has it been better to share all the things I love most than with him. Never have I regretted leaving my singleness behind, just as being with him has not taken away my independence but only made me more of who I am, freer, strengthened in unity as we reach for the same things. It's amazing to look at our life now, the habits we share, the way our cozy nights home play out (we've had a number of sweet ones lately) and see that even to the littlest detail, we're living the life we dreamed of living, we're in the kind of space we hoped to be in.

We have not, and do not, talk of forced stereotypes we have to fulfill with each other, in marriage, in life. Our home, whether in chores, decorating, obligations, daily activities, is not divided into 'his' and 'hers'. Sure, we share many passions, though not all - we each have our little things we work on separately (though in the same room as we share in our industriousness - Dan sews, works on the website or music, while I read, write, organize). He and I each have nights with girl or guy friends and both love our alone time. Always have. But there is no labeling or restriction, no closing in or dividing. All is on the table. All is possible but that we dream it together. All can be had if we agree and are lead to the same place... the point is to seek together, create together, evolve together, form who we have been, are now and will be, together.

That's why even pursuits like my food writing, I do with him. Though I write and research, we both enjoy the fruits of the research together (it's great to have a household of passionate eaters!), he builds and works toilessly on the website, making it ours, even with my name on it.

Community efforts, Arts Nights, human trafficking (and other issues we work in together), hospitality, constantly opening our home up to guests, groups, talks, meals and creative exploits. We create that space together, as we long prayed our home would be such a place, even though a one bedroom apartment. We've seen no end to incredible memories here - almost five years in this apartment! Hard to believe.

We travel together, planning in excitement, each into the details. We go to places of European ethos like we did alone in our 20's, sharing the same desire and value to live out that ethos (of the arts, lingering, good food, wine, culture, conversation, aware of beauty, poetic) in our own life, which we do in the life we've created here in San Fran.

As we did at age 18 when we met, we still both thrill to the foam on a cappuccino (or crema atop a good coffee), the gentle light of sunset, to the strains of a classical piano solo or a jazz quartet, the chime of ancient church bells, watching people and pigeons in a town square or Italian piazza, smelling the smoke out of a BBQ hut in the South, whatever it is, we come alive in the details. How rare a gift is that? It means we can create a life of these things, celebrate them, embrace them, surround ourselves with them and soar in the freedom of our spirits when fully ourselves.

How can I not be grateful? I ache to lose because I love my life. I sometimes fear loss and old age in my sleepless hours because it could mean losing this, losing Dan, losing the freedom we take for granted, losing the beauty of a life made by two best friends, not two people trying to make the other into a certain image, ideal or mold (thank God, I got broken of that in a fierce way in the years before our marriage).

I fear because I have so much. I realize I cannot love my life too much nor hold on too tight. For what we ache for most... together... is ultimately not fully fulfilled now. Every thing we love and share is a taste, always leaving us ravenous for more. I have to believe that over that horizon called death is all that more. Not the end but the next chapter... more full and ragingly beautiful than I dared hope.

Currently watching : The Office: Season Four

Solitude gives birth to the original

"Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamiliar and perilous - to poetry." - Thomas Mann

Last night, a night of solitude on my fire escape: warmth, smoke, gentle waves of light and air. I returned to myself once again and knew full peace. I felt the I Am close, wrapped around my skin, and I soared with what has been my core since I was a girl. The home I know within me, a place no one can take away.

"... art heightens life. She gives deeper joy, she consumes more swiftly. She engraves adventures of the spirit and the mind in the faces of her votaries..." - Thomas Mann in "Death in Venice"

Afterwards, I wrote in my journal by candlelight in my cozy home that, "the time for singing has begun... again". There is something new stirring in the wake of loss, gain, swift passage of time, failed dreams and realized ones, slow progress and unexpected surprises. There is a new dawn emerging and I am living it expectantly, humbly raw and open, waiting, trusting.

"Here I lay in delicious reverie for some time; during which all lovely forms, and colours, and sounds seemed to use my brain as a common hall, where they could come and go, unbidden and unexcused. I had never imagined that such a capacity for simple happiness lay in me, as was now awakened by this assembly of forms and spiritual sensations..." - George MacDonald in "Phantastes"

Reading : The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible - A. J. Jacobs

Favorite August Moments

1. Getting lost with Dan in the world strains of music from Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, etc... at a Kronos Quartet concert
2. A day of tastings, sunlight, adventure, relaxation, drink and communion with Jus, Jason & Dan in Alameda
3. Weekly hashing out ways (and writing a game plan) to fight Human Trafficking with our BJM leadership team
4. Sitting for a few hours and writing in Coffee Bar with my Dan
5. Breakfast alone on one of my "writing days" at the countertop of Haight's Pork Store Cafe," talking with locals, watching eggs scrambled, sipping down coffee
6. Excitedly talking with Annelies of the possibility in our lives at the "Bottle Shock" screening
7. Bridal dress shopping with Amanda and Anna all day long (lunch at Level III!)
8. Reconnecting with lifelong friends and breathing in the mountain air and Grand Teton majesty on our trip to Jackson Hole, WY for Jon's wedding
9. Special meals (Bushi-Tei, Espetus, Pizzaiolo, Tsar Nicoulai, Regalito, Urban Tavern and so on) with my husband of conversation and life
10. Noontime Gershwin & Chopin piano concert in Old St. Mary's with Dan
11. Mama's SF visit (Bette Davis movies at the Stanford, "Mary Poppins" under the stars, roaming old ships, good food, singing/playing music)

Currently watching : Mad Men - Season One

Favorite July Moments

1. Dan & I's gloriously lingering, life-filled Sonoma day
2. Stirring discussions with David & Amy at Flora or joined by Scott & Louise at our place
3. A free-spirited Oakland night w/ Dan, Tash, Ty, Karen & Gina at Angeline's Louisiana Kitchen, then Zydeco Cajun dancing, finished off with tiki drinks at Conga Lounge
4. Cozy 4th of July BBQ at McC's house w/ 15 friends
5. Spontaneous times w/ my girls: A & A over for late night talks, "Brideshead Revisited" screening w/ Anna, drinks (Fresca) and late night pancakes (Toast) w/ Anna & Lyla, Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market (bird poop!) w/ Amanda & Anna, Ryoko & Rye night w/ the ladies
6. Last minute visit: a day w/ my dear Shannon in Palo Alto
7. Jus sleeps over while Dan's away (Project Runway marathon!) - night roaming Hayes Valley and going to SF Symphony for Rodgers & Hammerstein concert
8. Many excursions with Chesna (Berkeley day, breakfast at Chloe's, rousing night w/ our husbands & Jo at Bourbon & Branch & Chutney)
9. Laughs, grillin' up sausages, watchin' Will Ferrell movies w/ "the boys" (Dan, Ty, Scott)
10. Great, long talk with Conor & Loni visiting from Canada
11. Building relationships volunteering at Mentone, feet washing at Boedecker Park Block Party & Human Trafficking meetings
12. Watching "Big Night" under the stars at Charles Chocolate Factory w/ Tash, Chuck, Chesna, Scott, Kristy, Ali, Caroline & Dan
13. Exploring old pirate and movie ships with Dannee all day during Festival of Sail

"And then the knowledge comes to me that I have space within me for a second, timeless, larger life." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Currently watching : Into Great Silence; Release date: 2007-10-23

Sonoma Redux

This Summer has meant a few excursions to Sonoma for Dan and I. Funny, since I hate Wine Country's scorching Summer weather, and prefer all other seasons (Fall!!) Yet somehow, it's been calling, and we've responded: exploring Sonoma Valley in particular (in the past, we often focused on Russian River and Healdsburg regions). I didn't think our near perfect June day trip could be topped. Yesterday, it was.

Starting in Santa Rosa with a pleasant lunch at Kabab and Curry House (Mango Chicken Curry, the one real highlight), we meandered through a number of lovely wineries, tasting little, but wandering grounds throughout Kenwood and Glen Ellen. After lazy hours exploring the countryside (including a stop for our favorite Wine Country Chocolates), we ended up late afternoon on the square of idyllic downtown Sonoma.

We peeked in historic, gorgeous Ledson Hotel's open-air lobby: Harmony Lounge. Though the heat was oppressive, confronted by crisp air conditioning within. One misstep in this lush room was two flat screen TVs, though discreetly placed. Diana Krall (live in Paris) played on both, and though not a huge fan (I prefer her repertoire of standards sung by jazz greats), the lilting calm of the music was just right...

We ordered a refreshing cocktail and a glass of fabulous Schramsberg Brut Rose as we sat by an unlit fireplace in big chairs, with dainty tables holding our drinks. We were startled as the grand piano next to us suddenly began playing along with Krall's piano, perfectly timed! The effect was one of live concert, reverberating through this opulent room of marble, velvet chairs, and chandeliers.

Dan read a novel, and I, my dear T.S. Eliot. It's been awhile since I've revisited old friend, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock", so today I did. As always, his poetry envelops. Add sexy jazz, sultry heat clashing with crisp air, the tingle of fresh mint in my cocktail, and my senses were awake, my heart alive with love for Dan... for our life.

Eliot's atmospheric words added to the mesmerizing tapestry of gratefulness holding me. My favorite part of the poem is my favorite passage still, much as I adore the rest:

"And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea."

How can one part with such perfection? Only to move on to more... we made reservations for dinner at a gorgeous, stately 1800's home we stumbled upon on our last Sonoma visit, housing an elegant Southern restaurant, The General's Daughter. The meal was as good as we'd hoped, including the best Mint Julep (blissful fresh peach! with the mint and bourbon), a rich Cauliflower Risotto (with aged gouda and maple vinegar) and addictive Shrimp and Grits (with andouille sausage and leeks).

Satiated and satisfied, we took our wine out to the front (wrap-around) porch, which we had to ourselves, and sat down in rocking chairs. Just past sunset (8-9pm), this last hour was the most blissful of all. Dan smoked a special cigar and we talked, sat in silence, ruminated, reflected. I read some of Eliot's poetry aloud. We dreamed. We were alive.

The drive home embodied our day: the hills were outlined by remnants of Sunset's pink, melding with Night's dark blue... the gentle Wine Country breezes on a cooled down (though still warm) Summer's night... the soothing voice of Ella serenading us in the car... I caressed his neck, he held my hand as he drove... smiles of complete happiness... Together. Unified in beauty, living, tasting and seeing, love.

Indeed, there IS, and will be, time.

Currently listening to: Fight With Tools By: Flobots Release date: 2008-05-20

Favorite June Moments

1. Of course, that idyllic Sonoma excursion with my husband
2. "Gone with the Wind" Ball and sleepover (watched the whole movie over Sofia champagne-in-a-can and popcorn) with Amanda, Anna, Jus (and dashing Dan at the Ball) - we were celebrities for the day in our A.C.T. rented Civil War gowns
3. Crashing the "7x7 Best Of" party at Level III downtown with Dan
4. Brian & Liz' beautiful San Anselmo wedding
5. Movie night ("I Heart Huckabees") at our place with the gang and numerous dinners with Scott & Louise
6. Coffee in the alley at 4 Barrel with Amanda & Chels (separate times - I keep going back!)
7. Opera in the ballpark with Jus, Jason and Dan on a hot, sultry night
8. Dancing (square dancing, Hambo, English barn dancing), singing (barbershop quartet!) and enjoying music all day at the free SF Folk Fest with my Hus, followed by a romantic French bistro dinner at L'Ardoise
9. Watching the Solstice moon rise orange and full, shimmering over the Bay from atop Twin Peaks with Dan at midnight as the gentle, warm breeze caressed us... sat for one perfect hour on the edge of hill looking out over pristine, sparkling SF
10. Luke & Allison's perfect wedding in San Juan Capistrano... my sweet brother ... and the time with my fam (tender, unforgettable moments like Justine and I crying on each other's shoulders during a a long embrace at the reception... or Mom & I crying arm-in-arm as we listened to the violinist at Downtown Disney... or early morning coffee w/ Dad each day)
Currently reading: The Sound and the Fury-William Faulkner

day in sonoma

Every time Dan and I explore together, I find new beauties in this spectacular area I call home... new treasures we both get excited about, expanding our pleasure by sharing it (geeky or not).

After a French brunch at Sausalito's new Le Garage (dig that French Toast with homemade creme fraiche), we drove North to some wineries near Sebastopol, before ending up at the also brand new (had to hit 'em up, you know) Hopmonk Tavern, a beer garden and hofbrau that wasn't as kitschy as we'd have liked but more industrial and modern. Still, lots of beers on tap (made Dannee happy) and a kick ass plate of German-style sausages, grilled onions, cabbage, potatoes and an unforgettable creamy mustard sauce (made me happy).

Sitting at the bar, we ended up getting into a long conversation with the man next to us, a well known chef in the area whose restaurant was Zagat-rated, and certainly known by me. He was as cool as could be and excited about our love of food, drink and travel and about my food writing. He tipped us off to a massive vintage clothing store nearby where he's opening a French cafe (unusual), so we visited that after a great talk with him.

The next step was Matanzas Creek Winery which we didn't taste at but was a magical discovery with it's lush, purple lavender field. California quail were cooing, dashing through the lavender bushes, providing childlike entertainment for my bird lover husband and making the backdrop even more enchanting for photos and lingering.

Driving through Glen Ellen that afternoon, we stumbled on Jack London Village, in one light, a plain, old Wine Country shopping mall. But for us, food discoveries awaited. A cheese tasting chamber!? Bright, fresh lemon olive oil. Exquisite chocolates at the blandly named Wine Country Chocolates (nothin' bland about the PB&J, Elvis - PB&Banana, of course! - and Cinnamon w/ Clover Honey truffles! I am dreaming of more!) Bluegrass Bar & Grill - a delightful old mill converted to a restaurant with a fabulous outdoor patio over a stream, modern cowboy decor and most of all, amazing beef brisket!

The evening ended with a walk around downtown Sonoma's idyllic square, checking out menus, walking each alley, peeking in windows and basking in the glow of that pre-twilight hour.
Currently watching : God Grew Tired of Us (Documentary)

Favorite May Moments

1. Roaming North Beach and the Wharf with Dan for hours (after 4B coffee in the alley, fondue at Melt, reading, writing, roaming the docks by the old ships)
2. Chicago Speakeasy Ball w/ 10 friends... & dancing with my Dannee
3. Bette Davis movies at the Stanford Theatre with Jus & Amanda
4. Challenged to wake up to what's going on around us at Pilgrim's Place
6. Rousing talk over flights of wine with Karen at Cav
7. Exploring Sausalito and other parts of Marin alone on a gloriously beautiful Tuesday
8. Real talk over family style pasta at Caffe Sport with A&A
9. Bourbon & Branch, then Indian food, w/ Ben & Corie
10. Seeing Kenny Barron for free at Yoshi's w/ Dan (and R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe sitting at the table next to us!)
11. Sex & the City nite w/ girls (dressing up, cocktails, crowds, and, yes, female bonding)
Currently listening : Feel Good Ghosts (Tea-Partying Through Tornadoes) - Cloud Cult

street corner "preachers" in palo alto

Standing on the street corners in downtown Palo Alto, college town and yuppieville, these young guys - and one middle-aged (their pastor or campus leader who told them this is the 'bold' thing to do?) - stood with their "turn or burn" t-shirts, shouting about the need for repentance, especially for gays, as the wrath of God is coming. They were attractive, normal-looking, clean cut, OC-type white guys.

We walked into the Stanford Theatre annoyed at their presentation - so far from the person and message of Christ, I don't even know where to begin. But it was worse when we exited the theater, two films and four hours later. They were still there (gotta commend them for dedication!) on the same corner. This time in a literal shouting match, face to face, with a Latino man who clearly was as disturbed by their "street preaching" as we were. Poor man. Wish we could have talked to him and told him not to be angry at God for their ignorance.

This time, I was ill. Embarrassed. Upset. And sad. Somewhere, Christ is crying at the absence of love.
Currently watching : For The Bible Tells Me So (Documentary)

contentment

Reading, celebrating, existing, reaching, waiting, moving, staying, loving... my days and life are so good right now I feel unworthy. I have time. I am living. I want so much more. And I have the so much more I want. Contentment paired with striving, pursuing ever more dreams... where is the balance of the two?

From "Free Food for Millionaires" by Min Jin Lee
"'You must choose yourself over the group [says Charles, the musician]... He was angry with his family, with the immigrant communities in New York, even the artists he knew who weren't Korean who kept on wanting to compromise. An artist, a real artist, couldn't do that. An artist could not necessarily have the things other people had - a happy marriage, children, a quiet home life, a retirement account, even mental health. These were the things that following convention might give you... Both of his wives had wanted children, but he had told them no, for these very reasons. Charles had no intention of giving up his art to make room for a steady job or crying babies, because to him, a life without music was insupportable. Without it, he would have certainly put the gun in his mouth." (p. 332)

[Casey's sister, who she's not always close to, tells her]: "'... you're a true person. You are your own. That's important." Tina's voice was assured. All her life, she had wanted to make decisions not informed by others' needs, wants, and expectations. "No one is like you... In the end, that matters most, I think. And being truthful.'" (p. 478)
Currently reading : The Metamorphosis, In The Penal Colony, and Other Stories - Franz Kafka