where I have been...

"It is a mistake to regard age as a downhill grade toward dissolution. The reverse is true. As one grows older, one climbs with surprising strides." - George Sand

The sky opened up. Change leads the way, possibility the name of this season. In response to months of prayers... beyond words... change has come, bringing hope.

I don't know where it will lead, but I do know it had to happen - even more than I realized. Once it did, the sigh of relief within my gut was so huge, I've been deflated in its wake. Yet simultaneously energized by clear direction and brilliant possibility.

These last two months have been rife with change, sleepless nights, expectation and worry, elation, goodbyes, hellos, world travel, rich times with friends, an excess of visitors, celebration, new jobs for both Dan and myself.

The past weeks flood streams of memories across my mind's window: a brilliant two weeks in Lake Como, Italy, and Switzerland with Dan's family (photos here: http://picasaweb.google.com/mrstumpf); Arts Night; family visiting en mass (Steve & Christina, Mitch & Peanut, Drew, Luke, Ben, Ben & Corie, the Stumpf family - whew!); The Roots with Manka & Dan; Film Nights in Union Square ("Rebel Without A Cause"); reading & discussing Nouwen with my girls; afternoons with Amanda and Manka over tea or lunch; "Emma" musical with Anna; music at Miraloma; great meals and talks (always!) with Scott & Louise; cocktail nights with the girls (Tiki night & Bourbon & Branch); leaving Genentech; starting our new jobs at McKesson (Dan) and the Guardian (me); celebration dinners for Dan & I's new jobs (at House of Prime Rib for Dan and Quince for me); I won tickets to a KFOG lunch (Manka went with me) and a New Orleans on Nob Hill concert through SF Jazz Fest (Dan & I) - Dan won tickets to a Patty Griffin private show!; we went to the weddings of Jason & Tammy and Janet & Brent; The Vampire Gothic Ball with Ben & Corie put on by the Period Recreation Society; private 10th anniversary party at Citizen Cake with Annelies; The Swell Season (from the movie "Once") concert with the girls; the Guardian's Goldies ceremony; serving dinners with Grace Cathedral at the Mentone; Shannon & Ephraim visiting; a seven course meal with our 'crew'; and so much more.

Yes, it's a daunting list that does not begin to tell of inner changes, musings, a consistent "letting go" happening in my life and faith, Dan & I's long talks and realizations (tearful & joyful), talks with my dear girls and sister; the overwhelming sense of gratefulness that permeates my waking and sleeping hours.

There has been fear, strain and uncertainty before these changes hit... then Dan and I both had news about our jobs exactly the same week, gave notice on exactly the same dates, started our new jobs on exactly the same day. It's been strangely unified, though separate changes for us both. A friend said it seems its a sign of how we are being led into new horizons not just individually, but together. We feel this acutely along with humble awe at the meaningful, significant shift that has taken place.

Though no job or change is by any means perfect, with this particular shift, I sense a directional change that is strategic, purposeful and hopeful. Time has been returned to me. Creative, unusual possibility has entered a space conformity and a growing drudgery were filling.

Space is opening up inside me as it is around me. Not only with time, but in environment, direction, horizons. The wind whispers, "It is possible", even as I know not what to do but take the next step right in front of me.

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." - Edgar Allen Poe, "Eleonora"

Currently watching : The Darjeeling Limited

moving inward, moving outward

"Take care of the small circle around you. When you have succeeded with them, then move outward one small step at a time." - Audrey Hepburn

The circle narrows, even as it has always been wide... focus comes. Regular calls, offering to help each other in our daily lives, meeting over drinks... to talk, to connect, sharing meals and movies at home. Reminding each other of what is most important, while allowing the freedom to try, fail, rest, try again.

Recent weekend trips to Yosemite, with dear McClellands, camping on the Merced River, and time alone for Dan & I... as well as a 'rip-roaring' weekend in Paso Robles with wonderful Amanda & her delightful brother & parents... I am warmed by the life of these dear friends we have. It's amazing to know such people & share laughter, hopes, pains and "aliveness" with them. It also thrills me to share beauty and revelation. The craggy glory of Yosemite or the brilliant blue of the sea & sky from Hearst Castle... both were moments of glory to share and bask in with my Dan and those precious ones around us. I am awake in it - I see it. And I realize... this is IT.

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day." - Audrey Hepburn
Currently watching : Viva Las Vegas (1964)

The Month of June

I love life in the city... such friends and love (Dan) I know. Precious memories made reveling in the beauty of art in life I see so clearly when most myself.

The past weeks held sweet, summer delights like Opera in the park, picnics, visiting friends, always the discovery of restaurants, and unusual cultural events. A few June highlights:

- Amazing nights with "my girls": Out of Africa" (w/ Moroccan Mojitos!) and "Six Feet Under" nights; Wednesday Nouwen talks; "Maniac Mondays": drinks, dancing or meals

- Nights home with my Dan are precious: cooking together with new recipes, watching movies, reading, working on The Perfect Spot newsletter

- Seeing an excellent film, "Paris Je'Taime", with Dan & Annelies (after a luscious French meal at brand new Cassis). Alexander Payne's vignette, the final of the many vignettes (some enchanting, some decent, most good), brought tears to my eyes, touched my heart. Simple. Eloquent. Deep.
- Long nights of drink, food and conversation about all the important (and not so important, but delightful) aspects of life with Scott & Louise at home or favorite spots: The Alembic, Rye, Chutney, Hidden Vine, Redwood Room, Le Colonial (birthday celebration for Scott!)
- Endless savory meals with friends or my Dan at Salt House, Joe DiMaggio's (third time!), Jovino, Umami, Chez Spencer, Red Box Sushi, 900 Grayson in Berkeley, and so on

- Eight of us enjoyed "Casablanca" Film Night in the Park (Union Square), complete with chocolate, red wine, delicious German food (thanks, Bjorn and Lea), the classic film, clanging trolleys going by, wrapped in blankets

- Dannee and I went to a brilliant blues show by Guy Davis at "Biscuits and Blues" on June 28. Not only was it a cozy, intimate show, his musicianship and voice evoked the Old South, life, sadness, sexuality and humor. The song about his father, "Hooking Bull at the Landing", is soulfully beautiful, giving me chills of understanding deep in my gut.

Currently watching : The Painted Veil

the wild sea

A beautiful day with our dear McClellands... their family is in town and we enjoyed a day of pursuits together, from lunch on the beach, to watching the Queen Mary sail in, to the Super Bowl at Scott & Louise's place.

Scott's sermon was excellent this morning - about my long-held belief of God NOT being contained in any of the boxes we all put God in, even some of the good ones. I've written a number of poems about this from a young age, so it obviously connected with me right away. He shared images of God a few steps of ahead of where we've landed and settled, doing the next thing, in unexpected places, through people or things we didn't know God would move through. A truth I know well from experience in my short life thus far, but one I am thankful to be constantly reminded of... especially in this time of transition, loss, letting go of structures that have not helped, mostly hindered, despite the fact that I love people in those structures, know them inside and out, and do not want to let go of the safety of trying to make it work within them. But as always, tiring and frightening as it is, I know I must let go, release, set out to the wide open sea where God is working marvelous storms and beauty. Now is a whole new level of release and uncertainty.

I hate to leave many I love at the shore, realizing that I haven't figured "it" out anyway and must remember they're on their own journey, too, even at the shoreline. But I do know for a fact, as I always have, that God is not found in safety, sameness, complacency or in conformity to structures when the wild sea is calling.

Currently reading: "When the Powers Fall" by Walter Wink
Currently listening : "Freefall" By Kenny Barron & Regina Carter

goodbyes

some friends touch your life for merely a season or in one area of your life... others, much fewer, are lifelong and touch multiple areas.

my girl has returned to australia and there is a gap where her sweet spirit, refreshing authenticity and realism, truly unconditional acceptance and "cheering on" were. not to mention one who loves food, writing, poetry and beauty, and sought those out with me. i have a wealth of friends here and around the world - have connected with too many people to count, in one way or another. i have my lifelong kindreds, about four of them, who are the closest of the close, spread around the country, anita being the longest and most kindred of friendships over my lifetime.

but when a precious friend is lost where you live, there is a gap, a hole, that yet another long distance relationship won't assuage. there is strength from all too rare support that disappears. those nights of long meals and wine, heart to heart talks, shared poetry, tears, favorite films and shows... will have to end. no person is replaceable. there is room for more but there cannot be a replacement.

here's to the time we had and to those who have remained faithful over the years.

Currently watching : The Illusionist

A poem for Kristy before she leaves, 1-15-07
Golden
in smile and heart
She conveys openness
through arms of acceptance
believing
when you cannot
believe
in your own goodness,
cheering on your plans
cradling pains
sharing hopes

Unexpectedly she came
as a supporter of what is most dear
a ray of light in dark night
a partner in creative dreams
a reminder of who you are
when it feels as if no one can see

She is a gift of God
on that will never be forgotten

Real Sunday

My favorite days: days of honest, soul-to-soul engagement and revelatory insights. Early morn brought the Eucharist at Grace Cathedral. Intimate compared to the 11am service in the cavernous, breath-taking space, the early Eucharist arranges seating in the choir area, making for a face-to-face, interactive experience. I don't know what it is but every time I am at Grace, I fight back the tears. I sense the presence of the Creator in a tangible way, connecting with the past, reaching towards the future. Somehow the name of Christ, over-used, abused and trivialized in most Christian circles, holds an unexpected beauty and tenderness here... as if new, revered, not overworn, marketed, for personal agenda.

With Scott and Louise, Dan and I walked to the quirky, darling Red Door Cafe. We talked for two hours over crispy french toast, huevos and cappucinos. It was the usual stimulating discussion of faith, the Church, leadership, our post-modern culture, frustrations and revelations. We sealed the discussion with a walk around Nob Hill, slipping into hotels to peek at the Tonga Room, savor the spectacular view from Top of the Mark, feel the woody warmth of the Big 4 bar at the Huntington. Scott and Louise are just what we have prayed for for years...

Back to Grace Cathedral to hear one of my all time favorite authors, Anne Lamott, speak. This is the third time I've heard her and truly it was the best. With more time and an interactive setting, she rambled, read excerpts from the book she is working on, was hilarious and profound. She tends to be fiercely political, exceptionally honest about her rage with recent miracles of grace overtaking these areas. What stays with me most, especially at this forum, is her blatant, simple need to be herself and not harbor guilt and shame over it. To realize she will not please or appeal to everyone, will piss off many, enrage a few, delight and inspire others, but in the end, she must be true and know deep within that she is accepted and loved by God, no matter what anyone else thinks. Not just know it but know it. Anne handled herself with humility and the usual self-deprecation but I also saw a stronger sense of peace emanating from her than in past years. It represented what I have been feeling in recent days, what I have been praying my 30's would be like and what I have been reaching for since I lost my audacity as a girl… to fully come home, knowing complete acceptance from my Source which then allows me to be freely and unashamedly myself while giving that same space to others.

From there, Karen M. and I went to the Persimmon Café in the TenderNob, talking (and crying) for hours. As is always the case with her, a kindred in the realm of 'realness', the time was transparent, beyond the veil, no pretensions or masks needed. We cried tenderly over recent revelations whispered deep into our hearts. Of the growing strength and knowledge of who we are, fully loved, beautiful, how this is transforming us as it has moved beyond words and ideas into growing actuality. From a far off, desperate hope, it has become actual character change, agonizingly slow but exploding by leaps and spurts as we turn 30. Karen's brutal honesty and transparency speak life to me... as does her unadulterated adoration and support of me. She has been one of those exceptionally rare friends who actually sees me at core and speaks life to my core, even if we rarely see each other, each interaction brings this level of depth… such a gift.

I returned home at twilight, full from a long, rich day. As promised, I called Manka back as we'd talked about attending a poetry event this evening. We both needed to be home instead but ended up talking over an hour about community, 'realness', the continuous evolving of our faith.

Full to the brim with encouragement, I saw God through each person I connected with today. Not so much through their words as through their honesty as they journey towards whole acceptance, authentic faith beyond words and culture (that loathsome 'Christian bubble' culture). As we seek growth of the character and the soul. God reminded me through these interactions that despite evidence to the contrary (when those around are well-meaning but on totally different pages), I am not alone.

Communing

Tuesday night we talked... all of us. A group of ten, from age 19 to early 40's. Wildly different personalities and backgrounds. But a unifying desire to be real, to seek more, to be present, to use words to convey our deepest core while wanting so much more than words. Talk of action. "This faith has got to have wheels if it's going to be worth anything at all."

Dan and I have prayed, waited, and hoped. My vision has been clear for years. It has been directed and specific for this very thing. I can't even express how much I have known this is what I and all of us need and have held it so clearly in my sights as to almost taste it. Ever since I moved to San Fran the vision has been building. Here, four years later, it is unfolding.

Arts Night was a big step over a year ago now. It still packs them in. Now we begin to gather even more regularly and consistently - with more intentionality.

We did not know how it would go. We both had apathy cloaking our fear before everyone came on Tuesday. But we prayed for half an hour, releasing it all back to God and the night was... beyond our hopes even. Beautiful and free.

I know not what led me to the Nouwen book, but I spent two hours two weeks ago writing favorite notes from the first part of "Reaching Out". I feared I emailed it out into the void with others probably wondering why I was so damn wordy and pretentious. But then multiple people call or email telling me that the words were JUST what they needed to hear; one said she printed them up, carried them with her all week and danced with eagerness every time she read over them; others said they had to read over them to get them but found them very piercing. Then when we gathered, conversation flowed and acquaintances and strangers poured out a piece of their souls. I saw parts of friends I had never seen before and heard words of wisdom that are staying with me like a mantra in the back of my head. We held hands and prayed at the end, simple, straightforward, all reverent and hushed in the knowledge of the depths we had just plumbed with one another.

This is communing. This is community. It is humble in beginning and the results and coming steps are out of our control. But I know God sees the secret desire of my heart and is already responding with more glory than I could even ask for. Goodness is pouring out.

Afterwards, Dan kissed me over and over, saying he was so proud of me and thanked God we were on the same team. I think we make a great one, by the grace of God. May the rest flow from beyond our meager capabilities and continue to surprise us all.

Sleepless Nights

Ah, this summer of insanity… and privileges. Visits from my best friend and family are life giving. Other close friends’ visits have added delightful memories to my storehouse. Weddings and trips were plentiful, with my brother’s wedding the highlight.

Likewise, communion with our local friends has been rich. Nights mixing “creative” cocktails or eating fondue, talking about books, relationships and life with Dave & Becca. Weeknight walks followed by a warm cup of tea, connecting soul to soul with Chelsea as she stops by on her way home from work. Movie nights and bonfires on the beach with our “urban tribe”. Four of the always fabulous Stern Grove Festival concerts, replete with picnics. Wine tasting at our favorite new bar, the cozy, classy Hidden Vine, in the basement of a boutique hotel. Sunday lunches with “the tribe” at Carrie’s charming place either inside or out in her little garden. A rousingly inspiring Arts Night. Dinners with friends at Town Hall, Moki Sushi, Fog City Diner, Blowfish Sushi, Blue Plate and others spots in the endlessly amazing SF dining scene. Kabuki Hot Springs with Kristy (my first massage! Heavenly!) Writing group in Berkeley carries on. Regularly playing music at church under the capable direction of the musical wunderkind, Dave.

As always, Dan and I continue to share adventures around our beloved Bay Area, savoring things we love. We’ve shared a few picnics on our roof this summer – on Labor Day, we made the best meal yet of any we’ve cooked: a seared sushi grade Ahi– from the best butcher ever, Drewes’ Brothers- with grilled nectarine and red onion skewers (so much juicy flavor from the fruit), drizzled with a balsamic sauce we made, a side of roasted zucchini with pine nuts, parmesan and a sweet glaze, accompanied by a perfect Chardonnay I bought last week in Sonoma at Alexander Valley Vineyards. Jazz at Yoshi’s. Hikes in Marin. “The Overcoat” at A.C.T. – yeah, half price tickets!! Always the concerts: Sufjan Stevens (with Dave, Becca & Natashia). Medeski, Martin & Wood at the spectacular Villa Montalvo. A couple excellent films in a (thus far) lackluster film year: “The Constant Gardner” and “Junebug” (saw that one twice – haven’t done that in a long while). Nights reading together with soothing or rousing music playing, or listening to Dan play piano.

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My life is made up of so many good things. I am surrounded by things that inspire and challenge me. I adore my Dan. I know incredible friends. My family is the dearest. Creative goals are always dissatisfied in me yet most other goals are met in beautiful ways and that is no small feat. Even still, I feel a deep sadness within. Longing rages on. Always.

Last night, I was awake over two hours in the middle of the night, even as my Dad and sister are staying with us and I have a full week of visiting and work. I awoke and couldn’t sleep. The sadness and brevity of life were, once again, haunting my sleepless moments. I HATE feeling the impending closeness of death but am aware of it more and more as the years fly by. It’s morbid, it’s painful, yet it’s very real. I don’t want to face it. I cannot bear the loss of anyone in my family. I was thinking what I would do if I lost my father and the loss is too great to comprehend. With any family member. Or Dan.

I contemplated my selfishness and weaknesses and the burdened me painfully. I seem to get worse as I get older… or is it that I am aware of my faults more and more? Either way, it’s agonizing feeling as if you are ‘slipping’ instead of ripening with “old age”. How I want to not only ripen but blossom, pour out, explode into radiance.

I ache for my thirties to be a time of coming into my own in a most explosive way. Will this occur or is comfortable deterioration in order? You know I have always raged against complacency. Someone who no longer grows, learns or challenges themselves is someone I feel very sorry for – and someone I never wish to be. Yet I wonder if I am fated to live out my worst fears with such a strong personality as mine and very specific loves and hates. How can I not get irritable and unbearable as an old woman?

May wisdom and grace temper my passion. I value fire and vision. But I also crave balance and discernment. I have all these things but oft times, passion wins out and overrides my deliberation. I prefer this. I do not wish to live cautiously. Yet what better a person than a fiery powerhouse who uses her vision at the right times and in the right place, feeding the fiery vision while becoming more whole with quiet and nurture?

I cannot do this for myself. It seems hopeless. May God see fit to grant this gift to me.

A Restful Weekend

Finally! The past weeks have delivered a series of overly busy weekends filled with visiting guests, weddings and a long list of commitments.

Upon the arrival of this glorious San Francisco weekend of pristine blue sky, warm sun, upper 70 degree weather, and idyllic beauty, Daniel and I "took it easy" and kept our weekend free for rest and each other. What a difference in outlook when one allows themselves to 'putter around' without responsibility for a couple of days. It's too rare, but should not be.

We did sing and play music at church on Sunday morning, arriving early to rehearse, staying half the day as usual. I soloed on "I'll Fly Away" (a countrified gospel version) and "You Alone". But that was the (unusual) extent of our "have tos" for the weekend.

Friday night, Dan and I met at "Izzy's Steak and Chop House" in the Marina. It's old school and musty, the dishes replete with boiled carrots and unimaginative sides. But much character. Reminds me of chop houses in New York, full of personality and charm, history lining its walls in the stories and photos of Izzy, and a bar going strong since Prohibition. Our table was on an elevated platform lined with bottles of BBQ and hot sauces along with ketchups and mustards. The room was playful and cozy, while the food was merely average. Not bad, mind you. Rarely is a meal in San Francisco so, but not up-to-par with what we can get around the city. We had fun with it, however. Me with my MASSIVE burger, Dan with his sirloin steak.

We walked up Union Street afterwards for a little fig and rum raisin gelato from Emporio Rulli, the cafe with a fully Italian feel ethos, right down to the Italian staff and foods. The fig gelato had freezer burn, which did not bode well, but the rum raisin was luscious. We sat on the bench outside while an Italian jazz band played just behind us, and read the newest issue of "The Onion", which had us both uprorious. Ah, the sweet, simple moments.

Saturday started with an always soul-fulfilling four hour conversation with my Anita. Amazing how those hours seemed so brief and that we barely scratched the surface of what we wanted to say. It's amazing to reflect on her kindredship for fifteen years now. I can't say I know anyone my age who has not merely such a long lasting friendship, but one deep and profound as it ever was, with no signs of dying after many years.

After my refreshing discourse with Anita, Dan cooked us a brilliant lunch of juicy pork in our delicious Fig & Balsamic Onion sauce from Napa; moist hominy with cayenne and spices; feta and cherry tomato salad in basalmic and our olive oil from Lucca, Italy; and sweet onions Dan grilled in brown sugar. A watermelon Smirnoff Ice washed it down nicely.

The warm, lazy afternoon led to a couple hours laying out on our rooftop, reading, drinking rasberry/strawberry/mint/triplesec smoothies I made, dozing and getting browned by the sun. Eventually we came inside for a bit of lovemaking and napping. Always a lovely Saturday afternoon.

In the evening, Daniel and I took the J line over the hill to Pauline's Pizza Pie in the Mission. We ordered a half carafe of the house white, delivering a bit of gaiety to our table on this summerlike night. Not since our month in Italy over a year ago have I been able to polish off a few glasses of wine with ease. Well, mostly ease. I did get a bit ridiculous for awhile! We shared a fresh ceasar salad with 'freckled' greens, followed by pizza: half garlic, half artichoke, sage, herbs and meyer lemon oil. Hit the spot. We headed down a couple blocks to Bombay Chaat and Ice Creamerly, an Indian ice cream shop, to get a vibrant ginger and green tea ice cream combo. Yum! It was a lovely walk home up steep Church Street (the J train wasn't in sight so we knew we could walk home in ten minutes instead of waiting for it) at the twilight hour, replete with a stop atop Mission Dolores Park to gaze out at city skyline.

At 9pm, the fireworks from the KFOG Kaboom! festival went off and we ran up to our rooftop where we could (mostly) see them. It was a pure night, shining with full moon and floods of stars. The fireworks were booming and plentiful. We stood like children barefoot on the roof, thrilling to the cacophany of cannon bursts thundering throughout the city.

The evening ended with us renting the 1996 documentary, "Hype!", on the Seattle grunge scene. A Doug Pray film who did "Scratch", which we loved. That doc was much more interesting and solid than "Hype!" but the film still had its moments. I have to say it doesn't paint a particularly good view of Seattle natives. They seem arrogant, simple and dramatic in their representation of the impact of grunge, saying how much they "didn't need the hype" and were so "annoyed" by it, when you could tell they were actually quite proud of the attention it brought Seattle for a time. Still, it made me miss the hard rocking days of Nirvana, PJ, and Soundgarden. Glad I got to see Soundgarden in concert before they disbanded.

Sunday was spent at church half the day, as I mentioned earlier, with a rowdy lunch at Ali Baba's Cave (we sat on pillows on the floor in the 'cave') for a middle eastern spread. Dan and Natashia were keeping things moving with their bizzare, infectious humor and Mark and Dave plowed through absolutely giant plates of (cheap) food. We stepped next door afterwards for root beer floats at Burger Joint as Dave shared with us details of his work in carpentry and Mark reminisced about his home state of Hawaii.

We spent the evening on Sunday talking to family on the phones, Dan worked on his music, I read. It was a much needed weekend and the kind of pace I yearn to set more frequently in our "go, go, go" society which demands constant action to be of value. If we're ever going to give in to the creative in us, we need time, "endless hours of noodling and doodling", says Georgia O'Keefe, who reiterates that takes time to "see" a flower, really see it, before we can paint or photograph it.

Here's to seeing.